Women and Shopping

P.S.: Please don’t rubbish this article as just another ‘woman analysis’ write-up. This is my story… your story!

Did I hear a sigh from the male readers on reading the title of this piece – especially the ones who have to accompany their wives / girlfriends during their shopping expeditions? Trust me… I completely feel the pain in your sighs.

I have been going through the agony of accompanying my wife (ever since she was my girlfriend) to almost every mall and marketplace around the cities where we have stayed since the last six years now. And I have managed to do so with a fake smile on my lips (accompanied by a silent prayer in my mind, hoping that the exploit will get over soon)! Then why this sudden outburst after all these years, and what prompted me to shed my tears on paper?

Hold your breath as I reveal this - my wife’s latest shopping outing landed me behind bars! Yes, I am sitting in a dingy prison as I write my heart out. How did I end up here? Here’s my story…

I am a very patient guy when it comes to carrying around shopping bags and scanning every store in the mall along with my lady ...even my wife thinks so! Nevertheless, like all you guys out there, I still fail to understand how big a task it can be to pick up that one pair of blue jeans.

“This is not the blue I am looking for…”

“Yes, THIS blue! But I don’t like the design of the pockets!”

“This one is okay, but can you show me some more designs?”

“This one seems perfect. Let me try it on…” (And then it does not fit the way she wants it to). “Isn’t it a bit ill-fitting around the legs?” I nod (…as if I can argue with her).

“Yes… this smaller size fits well! But let me check some other brands too,” she says and walks out.

What the hell!

…and the same story repeats itself in the next ten stores that we visit, before she returns to the first one to pick up the pair she had approved. As we enter that store (I with an embarrassed look on my face, and she with a nonchalant one), all I do is pray that the particular pair wasn’t the last piece and isn’t sold off!

Even such episodes, which have been taking place in my life religiously at least once every week, failed to shake me up. I continued with the fake smiles, customary approval nods for every dress or purse or jewelry she tried on, and of course the silent prayers. I even remained silent when an almost-finalized bed-sheet was rejected because it wouldn’t match the curtains, and the almost-finalized curtains met the same fate because they wouldn’t match the furniture in our living room!

I can go on endlessly about the shopping exploits of my wife, rather women in general, but this article is only to share with you the extreme shopping misadventure that I recently encountered.

I am here to tell you about the episode which landed me behind bars.

* * *

“What’s our plan for today?”

I had barely opened my eyes when I saw my wife standing at the foot of the bed and looking at me with a broom in her hands. Was it a question or a threat – I wondered looking at the broom.

“Nothing dear… you tell!”

It was a Saturday! My ideal plan would have been to laze around in the house till sundown, and end the evening with a drinking session in the company of my friends. I did not let out what was in my mind.

“Great! We have to go shopping today…” she informed excitedly and went about cleaning the corners of the ceiling with the broom.

‘Have to’? As in we ‘have to’ go to the hospital because I am having a heart-attack? Or, as in the panel members of the army ‘have to’ declare a war on Pakistan because the infiltration has reached deep inside our states.

Here, the ‘have to’ definitely was being used in a different context.

“I have nothing to wear… and my annual company party is happening next week!”

I looked at my wife, and then at the 4-door wardrobe behind her which was bloated with her clothes. If ‘finding something to wear’ from that collection was her problem, I would have still believed that. But she ‘not having anything to wear’ was news which was impossible for me to digest.

The words of a wise man I had once heard echoed in my ears: 'Most women usually have only two problems: 1. Nothing to wear. 2. No place to put all the clothes.'

“What do you want to buy?” I asked rubbing my eyes.

“The theme of the party is black… and all girls in my group are wearing those long dresses.”

“But you do have a long dress, darling! …a black one.”

“Not that black… I want to wear a satin black. It is an outdoor party with laser lighting in the dance floor. The shade of my black dress won’t look good!”

Research says that every man can learn at least one new thing each day if he keeps his eyes and ears open. I got my potion of enlightenment very early today. I made a mental note to Google about the ‘different shades of black’ that exist in the world.

“Also, I had worn it in the birthday party of my colleague’s son. Everybody has already seen that dress!”

As I am a very understanding husband, I did not need much convincing or pestering from my wife. It was 3:30 p.m. and we were at Level 0 of the Phoenix City Mall.

Let me not get into the details about how we entered each and every female outfit store to find a dress for my wife, scanned through the entire collection, and she even tried on some before rejecting them as ‘not good enough’. On the way, the jewelry, footwear and purse stores also reminded her that we ‘have to’ take matching accessories as well. So, now we were not only visiting the dress stores, but the rest of the items too were added to the list. She did like one purse and a pair of high-heels, but the sales boys were asked to keep them aside as we would first buy her dress and come back with it to match the accessories. Yes, we were going to come back to match black with black!

Futile are the efforts of a man who tries to question such actions – however ridiculous they may be!

* * *

“Wow! Look there…”

I felt a sudden pull in my arm as she ran towards the Marks and Spencer’s store at the other end of the floor.

‘50% off!’

She rushed into the store at a speed nearing 20 km/hr, and I was at her heels thanks to the tight grip she had of my arm. I did not fail to notice the ‘Upto’ scribbled on top of ‘50% off’ at the entrance.

“I have heard from my friends that their stuff is really good,” she explained while foraging through the rack stacked with dresses. She was talking about Marks and Spencer’s. I nodded.

Thanks to the recommendation from her friends, and the brand name which she would be able to proudly flaunt, my wife had her shopping bag filled with selected dresses, purses and jewelry in only three hours. I paid my homage to Mr. Mark and Mr. Spencer (I presume they are the owners) for selling everything under one roof and providing me respite from visiting a hundred different stores.

Half the battle was won. All that my wife needed to do now was - try the dresses on, match the accessories and order me to pay the bill. Phew!

As she headed towards the ‘Ladies Changing Room’, I settled on a couch outside – that was the least I could do for my poor feet.

“Only 3 items at a time madam,” the attendant stopped my wife outside the door.

“But I need to try all these together, to see if they are matching or not!”

“You can keep the bag here with me and go ahead with any 3 items… I will keep the shopping bag safely with me,” the attendant said.

Surprisingly, my wife gave up the argument rather easily and entered one of the changing rooms, but not before signaling me to keep an eye on her shopping bag. I nodded.

* * *

“What the hell do you mean by ‘I don’t know’!!??!”

My wife’s shriek shook me up… rather, woke me up! I believe I had dozed off while waiting on the couch. She was bellowing on the attendant – a new one.

‘Gosh! For how long was I asleep,’ I wondered looking at my watch. I ran towards her.

“One thing I ask you to do… and you choose to sleep!” she turned towards me. The new attendant too looked at me.

“What did he do?” I asked pointing at the attendant, and thus succeeding in diverting my wife’s line of fire back on him.

“You won’t believe what this idiot did!”

She was right. What the attendant had done was definitely unbelievable.

Here’s what happened while I was catching my forty winks…

What I remember last was that as my wife entered the changing room with just three items from the shopping basket, the erstwhile attendant took custody of the shopping bag containing the remaining 70% of my wife’s find. However, just after my wife left and I closed my eyes, the new attendant was requested by the former one to substitute him for some time. This is what led to the mishap.

The new attendant saw my wife’s shopping bag lying there, and assumed it to be filled with ones cleared from the changing rooms – which were tried but not selected by the customers.

“Can you believe it? He asked one of the sales girls to put the items from my shopping bag back on the racks,” my wife concluded the story.

“What do you mean!?” I believe my mouth was open even thirty seconds after I had completed my sentence.

“All the efforts I put in shopping today has gone down the drain… it took me almost two hours to fish out the items of my choice, size and color!”

‘Three hours’. I wanted to correct her, but of course I didn’t.

“Sorry madam… it’s a mistake from my part!” The attendant’s meek voice could barely be heard.

“What will I do with your apology? What should I do now?” I saw tear drops forming in my wife’s eyes.

“What should we do now?” she repeated her question, but now it was directed towards me.

I hugged my wife. “Don’t worry darling… today has been a total disaster! Let us put off the shopping plan to some other day…”

She jumped away from my arms. “Are you nuts? What will I wear to the party? The least you can do is help me in searching those items back, instead of running away from it!” I looked at her. The tear drops had strangely disappeared!

I was dazed. I looked at my wife walking off, picking up an empty shopping bag on the way. Then I turned my gaze towards the attendant. I wanted to kill him!

“Sir… I would request you to help madam. The store closes in two hours from now, and she certainly can do with some assistance from you.”

I looked at my watch. Since the last five hours we had been wandering around the shopping mall, and thanks to him we were back to square one.

The attendant smiled looking at the bewildered and angry expression on my face.

“It will take her at least two hours to find those exact items back… we have rearranged them very nicely!”

I believe he was planning to speak more. He would have if I hadn’t picked up the bust of the mannequin lying next to him and hit it on his head…

* * *